I got topic "Smoking should be made illegal" and I must wrote 2 paragraphs for agree and disagree....

"Smoking should be made illegal"
Presently, smoking is one of the largest cause of death. It's currently killed more than 30,000 humans from lung cancer and 1,000 from other cancers. Thus,just one or two cigarattes a day are more than enough to cause lung cancer which is also commonly happened older smokers, so destroying active lives. Moreover, smoking also increasing risk of heart disease; meanwhile, it also affects to skin and cause early appearance of wrinkles. Accordingly it might able to be a social problem that the government need to have a solution; for instance, medical service, drug therapy and hospital. Thus, it lead to losing a lot of money. As a result, these examples show that some affectations of smoking its should be made illegal.
On the other hand, personally I partly disagree about this. Firstly smoking is a personal right. Many smokers are generally known about affectation; even they are chosen to do that. Then, smoking is likely to showing a sign of social life; for instance, communication or acceptation. Beside that case, smoking might able to generates a lot of tax income into the country. Some country has a cigaratte which is exported product and it is able to increase sort of power in the global negotiation. For these reason, I appreciate that smoking is probably good in many ways. Thus, I've strongly agreement on smoking is not an illegal.

Can you give me any advice?? Thanks a lot

Hi Ladypiggy

Thanks for posting and sorry for the delay in replying.

Just quickly, I must say your paragraph structure concerning - topic/support/conclusion - are excellent.

I've simply made RED some words that should be changed and I've added a few articles and prepositions for you



Presently, smoking is one of the largest cause of death. It's currently killed more than 30,000 humans from lung cancer and 1,000 from other cancers. Thus,just one or two cigarattes a day are more than enough to cause lung cancer which is also commonly happened older smokers, so destroying active lives. Moreover, smoking also increasing the risk of heart disease; meanwhile, it also affects to skin and cause early appearance of wrinkles. Accordingly it might able to be a social problem that the government need to have a solution; for instance, medical service, drug therapy and hospital. Thus, it lead to losing a lot of money. As a result, these examples show that some affectations of smoking its should be made illegal.(some of the negative effects of smoking, therefore, it should be banned.)

On the other hand, personally I partly disagree about this. Firstly smoking is a personal right. Many smokers generally known about affectation; even so, they are chosen to do that. Then, smoking is likely to showing a sign of social life; for instance, communication or acceptation. Besides that , smoking might able to generate a lot of tax income into the country. Some country has a cigaratte which is exported and it is able to increase sort of power in the global negotiation. For these reason, I appreciate that smoking is probably good in many ways. Thus, I've strongly agreement on smoking is not illegal.